Yet another KH2 story
by chibilinnet
Summary: Chap 5 up Condensed summary in a can: Moon rock heads toward Kairi's head at a very high speed, Riku and Sora defy death again while Ansem watches, and rabid fangirls fight over .hackSIGN Sora. Too... many... SORAS Xx
1. Riku's blindfold

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YET ANOTHER KINGDOM HEARTS SEQUEL

some sort of weird fic by chibilinnet

Let us just say chibilinnet needed another very long and confusing story to write. Badly. 

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Kingdom Hearts. I don't own the characters. Square-Enix and Disney do. However, Square-Enix and Disney should get their asses in gear and make the REAL Kingdom Hearts sequel, or heads will fly.

Oh yeah, I don't own Harry Potter either. 

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"Wait... where the hell am I?!"

Riku looked at his map. The drenched piece of paper had ink flowing all over the place, as a result of the rain. Of course, it's not like Riku could see it anyway, since he had a blindfold over his face. Why? 

"It makes me unique! AHAHAHAHA!" Riku answered gleefully, tugging at it lovingly. Riku's attire indeed had changed. He threw away the bright yellow vest, oversized pants and shoes, and "day-of-the-week" underwear ("HEY!") for black. Black shirt, black pants, black boots, black boxers. And the blindfold to boot.

"Ah well." Riku shrugged, throwing the map over his shoulder. "It's not like the damned thing is useful anyway." Taking a step forward, Riku suddenly was falling down a 50-story building. 

It seemed that his blind travels had taken him to a rooftop, and the poor fool stepped off. If only Riku listened and took out his blindfold.

Riku expected to be splattered all over the place upon contact. Well, upon contact, something did splatter. Just not him.

"I'M ALIVE!" The Sephiroth clone cheered, dancing over the remains of a Heartless he landed on. Well, better it than him, I suppose.

Of course, if Riku bothered to take off his blindfold, he would notice that there was a small child, with copper skin and flowing silverish-blue hair, staring at the dancing warrior with odd golden eyes.

"YOU SAVED MY LIFE!" The child chirped, hugging Riku around the waist. Riku was confused. There was something attached to his waist.

"RIKU, TAKE OFF YOUR BLINDFOLD!" Somebody yelled. Riku shot the voice a nasty glare and felt the space before him, smacking the kid in the face a couple of times before he could pat the child's head.

"It was really cool how you fell from the sky n' all! Are you an angel??" The child cooed, staring at Riku with absolute awe.

"I fell from the sky??" Riku repeated, confused. Well, if he would just take off his blindfold, maybe he would know where he fell from.

Shooting another nasty glare at the author, Riku returned his attention to the kid, or tried to.

"Yeah, um, I did." Riku nodded. He really needed to get going and find Sora. Of course, for all he knew, that was Sora in front of him. If he would just take off the blindfold, maybe-

"ALL RIGHT, I'M TAKING OFF THE FUGGIN BLINDFOLD!" Riku shouted, admitting defeat. Angrily, he tugged the blindfold off, then blinked. 

The next few minutes, he was screaming in pain, rolling and thrashing about as his eyes, which had not seen even the merest glimmer of light for two weeks, adjusted to the brightness. When it was all over, Riku safely tucked it in his back pocket.

Finally, Riku was able to see whom he was talking to. 

"You have weird eyes." The kid pointed out.

"Look who's talking. You look like a freaking Esper." Riku spat back.

"Actually, Espers may have human-like qualities, but if I were an Esper, I would have wings or something. Or fur. Not just golden eyes. Though, I suppose if I were half-Esper, that statement could be correct. But you-"

"OK, OK, shut up! ... What's your name, kid?"

"Ansem!"

"OK, sure!" Riku smiled. Then he blinked. Wait. Wasn't Ansem...taller when he last seen him? And more menacing? And ranting about darkness? "You're not Ansem!" He accused.

"Yes I am!" Ansem argued.

"No! Ansem is a 27 year old virgin, not a 6 year old who somehow understands the plot of FF6!" 

"Actually, I'm five. Besides, I just may not be the Ansem you know. It's not like there's only ONE Ansem, you know!" Ansem retorted, his face smug.

Riku, however, was not determined to lose against a five year old claiming he was a psychopath from Hollow Bastion.

"Yes there is. Only his parents are retarded enough to name their kid 'Ansem'."

"My parents are not retarded! And it's my brother who named me."

"OK, then your BROTHER is retarded."

"MY BROTHER IS COOLER THAN YOU'LL EVER BE!"

"WANNA BET, YOU LITTLE BRAT?!"

The author quickly lost interest in this scene and decided to go bother Sora, who was supposed to read that letter from King Mickey.

~~~

__

Dear kid with the key,

Listen, by the time you read this, Riku would have already escaped from Kingdom Hearts. I, too, have escaped, but I must keep my whereabouts secret so that You-Know-Who doesn't find out where I am and smite me. Good luck on your journey. The Order of the Phoenix is counting on you.

~Dumbledore.

"OK. Now hand me Mickey's letter." Sora commanded, tossing Dumbledore's letter aside. No one cared what the old idiot wrote anyway.

Pluto obliged, dropping a letter in Sora's outstretched hand. The Keyblade Master's face twisted in disgust as he had to clear the dog drool from it. Finally, he managed to pry Mickey's letter out.

__

Sora,

You still owe me $20

~Mickey

P.S: Riku, me and this old guy who's a Merlin rip-off are out of Kingdom Hearts, so no worries, you lazy ass.

"Well? What does it say?" Donald and Goody asked, literally breathing down Sora's neck. Sora closed his eyes and imagined him chopping up his useless comrades into tiny pieces. Well, he would do that to Goofy. Donald had to barbecued on a stick.

"I owe Mickey twenty. Other than that, they got out!" He had a fake grin plastered all over the face, which really hid his angsty teenager feelings. Puberty sucked.

Sora just wanted to escape this horrible thing called responsibility. To go back to his island, do drugs, stay up until 5 AM partying, get his first DUI, the kind of stuff that teens aren't supposed to do, but are expected to do.

However, here he was with a giant oversized key, a magic duck on crack, two retarded dogs, on some meaningless quest to find this Door to Light and shut it, thus delaying the universe's inevitable destruction.

Yes. Puberty sucked.

Donald and Goofy were forever oblivious to Sora's true feelings and started walking down the path they had been running down like drunken idiots three days earlier.

"Come on, Sora!" Goofy called. "We need to get this story going, duh-hyuck!"

Sora clenched the Keyblade. Nodding, he walked down the path, doomed forever to a life of misery and despair. 

So they walked.

More walking.

Something interesting is bound to happen.

Sora stepped on a frog.

That wasn't interesting enough.

Still more walking.

The walking continued.

Nothing but walking, and more walking.

Sora stepped on another frog, this time purposely. 

Yep, still walking.

Oh, now they're JOGGING!

Nope, got tired.

Walking... walking... walking...

"Something interesting should happen now." Sora announced. And so, he waited for the story to turn into a random battle where a new ally or new foe would be revealed and his life will have some meaning.

A tumbleweed flew by.

"Sora, we have to keep walking..." Donald grumbled, tapping his feet impatiently. 

"No. This is the part where something happens. It's called 'moving on the plot'." Sora stubbornly decided he was going to stay here waiting for the interesting thing to happen.

"Well, I think we should still keep walking..." Goofy suggested.

"Interesting thing must happen!" Sora barked. Donald and Goody exchanged nervous glances.

Finally, the interesting thing happened.

"YES!"

Unfortunately, not in Sora's scene.

"NOOOOOOO!"

~~~

Selphie and Kairi were sitting at the docks, discussing normal girl things. Like clothes. And shoes. And boys. That was the unwritten rule. Always boys.

"Tidus is pretty hot, I mean, comparing him to the other guys around here..." Selphie thought.

"Sora." Kairi mumbled.

"Wakka... just... no." Selphie shuddered at the mere thought.

"Sora..." Kairi still mumbled.

"You have to get over him, girl..." Selphie tapped her hand in a sympathetic way. Kairi simply mumbled Sora's name some more, which got on Selphie's nerves a bit.

Then the interesting thing happened.

"Hey! Shooting stars!... During the day?"

While Selphie was thinking on how this can occur, Kairi jumped up and ran to the beach, screaming Sora's name. In fact, her entire vocabulary had reduced to one word: Sora.

"SORA! SORA!" Kairi hopefully called, searching the beach for her one true love. The brown-haired teenage idiot was nowhere to be found, just chunks of brightly colored jelly-like material littered the beach.

See, the problem with getting your hopes up is that it really hurts when they come crashing down.

"SOOOOOOOORAAAAAA!!!!!" Kairi pitifully cried, throwing herself on the ground. She curled up in a fetal position and started sobbing, not taking the time to think that she could build a Gummi Ship with the material on the beach and possibly go see Sora.

Of course, Kairi isn't entirely stupid, so she'll think of that. Just not in this chapter.

Let's go see how Riku and Chibi-Ansem are doing, shall we? (Yes, I'm biased and want to write about them more because I like Ansem. Shut up.)

~~~

"NO! Cornelia did not get kill herself, she jumped in front of Marcus before her father tried to stab him! Juliet killed herself! GET YOUR PLAYS RIGHT, YOU IDIOTIC INGRATE!"

Riku growled and glared at Ansem with as much hate as he could muster. Based on his impressive vocabulary and education for a five year old, Riku had come to the conclusion that this little child was, in fact, the psychopathic Ansem.

Of course, he was still puny.

"Don't call me an ingrate. I could strangle you right now, you know." Riku reminded him.

Ansem shut up.

"Good boy." Riku smirked, and patted Ansem on the head. Ansem strongly resisted the urge to bite it.

"Um... what were we doing here again?" Riku wondered, scratching his head. Almost immediately, Ansem's adult-like scowl had melted away and the childish fascination had returned.

"You fell from the sky and squashed the shadowy thingy that tried to eat me!" He happily chirped. Riku blinked, then looked behind him. There was a nice splash of black on the cement road where Riku landed.

"Ah. Yes."

"And I just wanted to thank you! Hey, I never got your name! What is it?!" Ansem demanded, bouncing around Riku.

"Don't you remember? If I'm correct, we met before, you were just...taller." Riku explained. Ansem frowned, shaking his head.

"No, I never met you. You look kinda like my brother, but he's taller. With longer hair. And a really long sword. His name is Sephy!" Ansem rattled on.

Riku frowned. Maybe he was wrong and this WASN'T the Ansem he remembered.

"And we used to live in Hollow Bastion, with my mommy, her name is Jenova, and daddy, his name is Hojo..."

Ok, scratch that. He's Ansem.

"Then, Sephy would have his freaky friend Vincent come over, and they would teach me how to shoot stuff, and-"

"OK, OK, sheesh!" Riku put a gloved hand over Ansem's mouth. "My name is Riku." He re-introduced himself. Ansem nodded and pushed Riku's hand away so he could resume talking.

"Hiya Riku! Where are you from? Why are you dressed like that? Who's your friends? What do you do for fun? Can I come with you?" He spouted off random questions, hoping to catch Riku off guard with the last one.

"Um... yes?" Riku answered unsurely, scratching his head. 

"YAY!" Ansem cheered, running around the terribly confused Riku. Riku thought for a minute, then realized what he said. But this could work to his advantage. Begging for munny would be easier if you had a kid with you...

"OK. Just don't get in my way, squirt." Riku confirmed. Ansem nodded and hugged Riku around the waist again.

__

Oh god, Riku thought miserably. _What the hell did I do?_

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Ahhhh.... this is my place. Writing stupid parodies. ^_________^ Feels like "And after the game" all over again... except not as humorous.

And I DO have an explanation for the reason Ansem is back, and chibi. I really do! IT'S A GOOD THEORY! I SPENT MANY COUNTLESS NIGHTS ON IT! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!


	2. The Official Bad Guy League

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CHAPTER TWO: Sora?!

X_X I love you people. I will write more nonsense for you now.

Ah yes, to that weird person who read "And after the game", said "DOWN WITH YAOI" and yet read the whole thing for the mindless violence...

O_o 

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"Sora!"

Kairi finally stopped sobbing and whining like the love-starved teen she was and decided to build a Gummi Ship and look for Sora.

Finally.

"Sora..." Kairi muttered in concentration, as she slowly started building the ship together. She had many a blueprint, but the game kept on telling her they were too big. She resisted the urge to smack it with her wrench.

Design after design, Kairi kept on failing to make one small enough. Finally, she smacked the game with her wrench and fell on her knees, assuming a pre-death Aeris position.

And she waited.

Lo and Behold, the sky opened and many blueprints and Gummi Blocks showered down from the heavens. Kairi smiled at the high deity above that blessed her with such wonders and went back to working.

Picking the Omega design, as it was kick-ass and stuff, Kairi happily watched as the Omega ship began assembling itself. She grabbed her suitcases when a voice stopped her.

"Wait, Kairi!"

Selphie ran up, panting behind her. Selphie was wearing combat boots and had a set of blue and red sporks tied together behind her back. She, too, was carrying luggage. Kairi mumbled something that sounded oddly like 'Sora'.

"I'm your interpreter." Selphie explained briskly. "Nobody will understand you if you just walk around saying Sora."

"Sora." Kairi sadly agreed, lowering her head.

"I'll help ya out! You and me, we'll be unstoppable!" Selphie nodded, smiling more. 

Without waiting for Kairi's consent, she just barged in the finished Omega ship and disappeared in one of the rooms.

"Sora!" Kairi spat. I'm sure that would have been a curse if Kairi just knew some.

~~~

"Where are we going? What are we gonna eat? Where will we stay? My feet hurt, can we stop walking a bit? You're ignoring me on purpose, aren't you?"

Ansem trailed behind Riku, asking him random questions. But all with the same purpose: TO ANNOY! BWAHAHAHAHAHA-*gets shot*

And it was working. Riku could feel those homicidal urges rising up, begging him to disembowel Ansem and wear his skin like a cloak.

Kill him... Kill him...

"Shut up." Riku whispered miserably, half to himself and half to Ansem.

"What? What did you say? I can't hear you if you don't speak louder, unless you were talking to yourself, which in that case, you are-"

KILL HIM... KILL HIM...

The voice roared in Riku's head. Riku was now contemplating this. It seemed like such a good idea! Ahh, if only he had a keyblade or a weapon of some sort to cut Ansem's head off...

The voice, realizing that Riku had no weapon, left and went to torture someone else. A gunshot was heard, so it seemed like the voice succeeded.

"Hey, kid, do you have a weapon with you?" Riku asked, stopping abruptly. Ansem slammed into his back and fell down.

"OW!"

"Because I just realized that I don't have anything to fight with, and I can't use magic... can you use magic?" Riku continued speaking, ignoring the fact he was stepping on 

Ansem's leg and the poor child was screaming in pain.

"I'll take that as a no... How the hell can we defend ourselves against the Heartless?" Riku started panicking, walking away. Ansem shakily stood up and followed, drawing a Keyblade with the full intent to kill.

"I mean, no magic, no weapon... unless there are some Heartless chicks that will fall prey to my charms... rwar, Riku, you're such a stud..." Riku mumbled to himself. This fact, however, cannot be denied. 

Riku turned around again, coming face-to-face with the Oblivion Keyblade.

"Hey, you found a Keyblade, squirt!" Riku cheerfully said, grabbing the Keyblade out of poor Ansem's hands. Then he realized how short it was.

"HEY!!" Ansem squeaked. "That's MY Keyblade!"

Riku looked down, amused. Ansem was reaching for the Keyblade, so Riku lowered it, then snatched it back up when Ansem was about to swipe it. This went on for several minutes.

Angry, Ansem did something very wise: Kicking Riku in the nuts.

The Keyblade clattered on the ground, followed by Riku, rolling around, grabbing his crotch in pain. Ansem leaped on the Keyblade and hugged it. Being short had it's advantages.

"You... bastard!" Riku squeaked, still in much pain.

"Nyah!" Ansem stuck out his tongue, returning the little Keyblade to it's sheath. 

AWWWWWWW!! HOW CUTE!! The author hugged Ansem, then ran out and got hit by a car.

"I'm... gonna... kill... you..." Riku panted, getting up. Ansem's golden eyes widened and he ran for it, Riku chasing after him screaming many obscenities.

~~~

Sora still stubbornly stood in his one spot, leaning on the Keyblade for support. Donald and Goofy had given up on him, sleeping near a rock. Sora looked up to the heavens, as if expecting an answer.

It started raining.

"Yeah, yeah, you think it's all some big joke..." Sora muttered. His legs were on the verge of detaching themselves from his body and beating him over the head. Suddenly, Sora heard screaming from just down the road, followed by a dust cloud.

Something crashed into Sora's midsection and he was flung back three feet. Then something tripped on the first object and crashed next to Sora.

"RIKU!" Sora laughed. The interesting thing DID happen!

"What?! Where's that little prick?!" Riku was still a bit dazed, not realizing that Sora was hugging him. Many yaoi fans looked on with hope in their hearts.

Then Riku pushed Sora aside, still searching for Ansem. The yaoi fans grumbled and walked away. 

"RIKU!"

"What?!" Riku snapped, annoyed. He saw an angry looking Sora glaring back at him.

"SORA!" He cheered and hugged his friend. The yaoi fans came trampling back.

While this brotherly love was being shown (Yaoi fans: NUUUUU!), Donald and Goofy were staring at Ansem, who got knocked out. The only thing they really noticed was the Keyblade stuck in it's sheath.

"Sora!" Donald called, breaking that friendly moment. "There's a kid here with a Keyblade!"

"Oh, that's Ansem..." Riku explained, forgetting that he was trying to wring the kid's next five minutes before. "He's OK, if you can get him to shut up."

Sora poked the unconscious body with his own Keyblade.

"That can't be Ansem!" Sora protested. "Ansem is taller!" He looked over the sleeping child. He did look a lot like Ansem, but there was no denying it! He was short!

"I know, but he says he's from Hollow Bastion. He also doesn't shut up unless you knock him out." Riku confirmed. Sora nodded with understanding, then he poked Ansem again.

"But... SHORT!" Sora insisted.

Donald and Goofy noticed they were deliberately being left out of the plot.

"HEY!" Donald yelled. "We're important too!"

"Duh, yeah, we helped the Keyblade master!" Goofy's voice dripped with stupidity. It annoyed Donald so much. Normally, only Cloud should be that stupid.

YES! I'M STILL MAKING FUN OF CLOUD! BWAHAHAHAHA-*gets shot*

"I suppose we'll have to drag him with us." Sora decided, a little sadly. "He DOES have a Keyblade."

"DAMN IT!" Riku cursed. Everyone looked at him. Then they laughed at Riku's misfortune. Ha ha. Loser.

Riku cried and sat in a corner, taking this time to rant angsty things about teenage life, because that's what he was supposed to do. No one cared, and Sora decided to see if Ansem was dead or not.

"Hey, kid." Sora poked Ansem with his Keyblade, expecting life to flow into the poor kid's body. And so it did.

HE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES! *gets shot*

Ansem put away the Magnum and stood up, blinking like nothing ever happened.

"HI!" He chirped. That permanent sugar-high came back and Ansem was bouncing around Riku, singing about the Muffin Man.

"NOOOOOOOO!!! MAKE IT STOP!!" Riku cried out miserably, drowning in more sorrow and misery. Mmmm... teenage angst... I FEED OFF IT LIKE BLOOOOOODDD!!

The author got shot again.

"Well, since everyone is alive now, we should get going..." Donald impatiently noted, then he realized he got a line. He danced with glee.

"YEAH! LET'S FIND KAIRI!" Sora cheerfully agreed, stressing out the fact that the KairiXSora canon was being upheld. Riku muttered something about killing Kairi and changing the pairing, but nothing he could do would change the author's mind.

~~~

"The First Official Bad Guy League will now start!"

And so it started.

Sephiroth gloated from his throne. He, obviously, was the most popular and loved of the FF villains, so it was only natural that he gets to be the leader. Because he's the best.

Then there was Kefka, who had an equal amount of loyal cult members, but unfortunately, he wasn't pretty enough to be given the position of leader. So he was second-in-command, plotting the leader's death. Technically, due to legal reasons, Kefka wasn't even supposed to be there, but how could you leave him out???

Then Seymour, who was almost as pretty and freaky as Sephiroth, but pathetically weak and had a gay voice. For this, he couldn't be the leader. Seymour was sad. So very sad. He insisted it's because he was a half-breed.

Ultimecia was next. Nobody knew much about her except she messed with time, so she got all the petty jobs that no one else wanted. Ultimecia said it was because she was a woman. FEMINIST! ARRRGGGHHH!!

Finally, dear sweet Kuja. Legally, he isn't supposed to be there either, and he was a freaky cross dresser. However, his prettiness rivaled Sephiroth's, so they let him in as the official mascot. Every club needed a mascot.

The bad guys were assembled around an EXPENSIVE glass table. They gloated for a bit, then waited for Sephiroth to speak.

...

Sephiroth was too busy admiring himself in the glass.

"_Hem hem._" Kefka coughed. The author screamed and smited Order of the Phoenix again. 

"Oh yeah, the meeting... right." Sephiroth dully noted, thinking that a meeting wasn't as important as his hair. "Anyway, we're here simply to replace the Disney Villains, since they all died and Ansem is too short to join..."

...

"The purpose of this is simply to make Sora's life hell!" Kefka cackled with glee. Sephiroth shrugged. He only joined because it made him feel important.

Kuja stopped chewing his fingernails and timidly raised a hand.

"Yes?"

"Can I help??" He whined.

"No."

"BUT I WANNA HELP!!" Kuja insisted, pouting.

"NO!"

"Aw, Kef, let him help." Seymour leaned back in his chair, enjoying the fight. "He IS a good mage..."

"BUT HE'S A CROSSDRESSER!" Kefka growled.

"YOU JUST DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO ARE DIFFERENT!" Kuja cried. He sobbed and made a good show of looking sad and pathetic.

"Let him help." Sephiroth ordered. "He's almost as pretty as me. That's something we should respect." He went back to admiring himself in the glass again.

Kefka snorted and nodded curtly. Kuja squealed with glee and went looked at his nails with disgust. He took out a clear make-up bag and started rummaging for nail polish. Kefka snorted in disgust again.

"Ultimecia, you go find out where Sora is." Sephiroth muttered.

"WHY ME?" Ultimecia shrieked. "You always make ME do all the field work!" She crossed her arms and gave Sephiroth a glare that proclaimed her womanly 

independence. 

"Because I'll skewer you with Masamune if you don't." Sephiroth snarled. "Meeting adjourned." 

The villains casually walked out, except for Ultimecia, who muttered more curses and stomped out, scaring the hell out of everyone else.

Sephiroth grinned to himself.

"I can make people do things!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I like the Official Bad Guy League. THEY STAY! And shall appear in future stories.

Kuja: Sephiroth said I'm almost as pretty as him! I FEEL SO SPECIAL!


	3. Zanarkand and pie

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CHAPTER THREE: Cameos galore!

Don't you love cameos? ^^

Tellah: Spoony authoress.

*smites Tellah* Quiet you!

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ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you will find in this chapter. Most of the cameos belong to someone else or are real people.

Law-ninja: *stalk chibilinnet*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So... what talents do you have, Brenda?"

Seymour was busy interviewing useless pawns for the Official Bad Guy league. Bad guys need useless pawns. 

"The little one bites." A girl with dark brown hair answered, pointing to a little boy next to her wearing a small trenchcoat. He glared at her with dark eyes hidden behind curtains of greasy hair...

"Hey, wait a minute, I know you!" Seymour laughed, reading the description above him. "You're Severus Snape, right? You're...short..."

"CHIBI!" Snape insisted. He bared small fangs. "I'm CHIBI!" 

"I know. ISN'T HE CUTE??" Brenda cried, picking Chibi-Snape up and hugging him. Chibi-Snape started screaming and tried to claw his way out of her arms. 

Seymour blinked.

"Well, see, we normally don't accept short people... Snape needs to un-chibify himself." Seymour reminded her, looking over the conditions that needed to be met.

"But Marcy from Chrono Cross was short, and she kicked ass!" Snape protested, still being smothered in fangirlish love. Brenda nodded in agreement.

"I don't think you understand. You. Are. Too. Short." Seymour said slowly, sneering at the Potions Master. Snape just growled more, furiously trying to escape his companions grip. 

Brenda sneered and let him go.

Chibi-Snape lunged forward and sank his fangs in Seymour's arm. Seymour screamed and ran around the office room for about five minutes with an irate Snape gnawing on his arm, blood spurting everywhere.

Brenda took out her Zidane plushie and hugged it, happily ignoring all the screaming and chaos going around. Then she frowned when she realized Snape got more lines than her.

"Oooh, chibi is gonna get it!"

"IT HURTS!! OH GOD, IT HURTS!!" Seymour cried, shaking his arm in a vain attempt to dislodge Snape from his arm. 

"I give her a chance to see my artwork, I RP with her, I put up with her constant ignorance and she doesn't even mention the vast magical properties of my Zidane plushie!" Brenda continued ranting, her hair getting splattered in blood.

"AUUGGHHH!! THEY WERE RIGHT, DAMMIT, HE IS A VAMPIRE!" Seymour was still running around screaming, covering the room with blood. Snape was still gnawing happily on his arm.

"I hope everyone hates her for putting so many cameos in one chapter that they won't review or leave flames! Then she will never write again, AHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" Brenda cackled. The magic Zidane plushie hopped on her shoulder and cackled with her.

"I'M SORRY!! I'M SORRY I SAID YOU WERE TOO SHORT, BUT THAT'S THE RULES!!" Seymour pleaded. Snape heard this and gingerly lifted his fangs out, dropping to the floor. Despite the fact that everything in the room was dripping in blood, Snape was perfectly clean.

He bared his bloodstained fangs in a cute smile. The author squealed. 

"Well, why didn't you just say so?" Brenda laughed. "C'mon, Snapey, before JK Rowling sues us." 

With a mighty WHOOSH, the two characters ran out of the room and were never seen again. Well, actually, they had to run to the Movie Studio. Damn Harry Potter movies _...

Seymour was left on the floor, his arm half chewed off and shaking all over.

"I hate my life." He moaned.

~~~

Getting away from all the OCs and cameos that no one cares about, we're back to the heroes, who are still walking away from that city and going somewhere else. 

"Sora, where are we going? I'm hungry..." Goofy complained, rubbing his stomach. Donald twitched and resisted the urge to shove his staff down Goofy's throat.

"We're going... SOMEWHERE!" Sora proclaimed. "Over the raaaiinnn-OW!"

Riku whacked Sora on the head with Ansem's Keyblade, eye twitching badly. 

"Do not sing anything in front of me." He hissed and handed Ansem back his Keyblade. Ansem squealed with joy and started hugging it. Ansem was very fond of his Keyblade.

Sora pouted and resumed walking in that weird manner he does, putting his own Keyblade in his hair. What, where else could he keep the damn thing??

They were walking again.

"NOT AGAIN!" Sora screamed in agony, falling over and assuming a fetal position, sucking his thumb. Donald laughed and kicked him. Sora ignored it, since getting hit by a giant flipper wasn't much.

"Shouldn't we help him?" Ansem timidly suggested.

"Nah, him writhing around in pain will be the single joy in our otherwise miserable and pathetic life..." Riku sighed. Ansem was slightly disturbed.

Fifteen minutes later, Sora had recovered and, lo and behold, another city loomed before them. It was obviously different, because the sign next to it said, "A city completely different from the one you were in."

"WE'RE SAVED!" Sora cried in joy, and he ran in, followed by the gang. Ansem stopped just before going in and wrote "chibilinnet sucks" on the sign before running away again.

A young girl with a black robe and blue-framed glasses jumped out from a bush next to the sign and inspected the words Ansem had scribbled.

"Hmm, I think I knew a Linnet..." Sarafina mused, and then she happily went on her way. Why she was in the bush, nobody ever knew. All they knew is that just she was just a cheap cameo and nothing more.

"LINNET!!"

~~~

chibilinnet nervously looked around. 

"Whatcha doing, Lin?" Rufus.exe asked her.

"FROM NOW ON, YOU SHALL REFER TO ME AS BOB!" chibilinnet barked. She donned a red bandana, a Linkin Park shirt and baggy cargo pants. Satisfied, she strode out the door.

"Hey, where are you going?" Rufus.exe called.

"I'm getting a sex-change operation!"

~~~

The city that the gang had entered in was actually the wonderful metropolis of Zanarkand, from FFX. The gang stared in awe at the machina, people with weird costumes, and the vast amounts of water.

Then Donald and Goofy tripped and fell into the sea below, where they drowned. The author cackled and was glad she didn't have to let them exist.

"That was mean!:" Sora complained. A meteor sped down from the side and hit some old guy, making him explode. "That was mean too!"

Riku had to hide from the randomness.

"I'm still hungry." Ansem complained. He poked Riku in the rib repeatedly until Riku snapped and hurled himself over the bridge. Well, no, actually, he didn't, because of the author did that, Riku fans would kill her.

Speaking of which, a small group of people wearing all black and holding pitchforks, torches and a sign that read 'KILL CHIBILINNET' passed by them, mumbling curses under their breath.

"Must be a cult or something." Sora commented. Ansem stopped poking Riku and searched for a place where food could be stolen/obtained. His golden eyes fell on a simple looking shop with a dusty sign that read "PIES".

"It looks cheap!" Riku said, excited. Just like his father, he was extremely stingy about his money. Of course, the grand total of their munny combined was 130, so he had a reason.

"I dunno, that shop looks shady..." Sora's eyes narrowed and he glared at the shop. Eminem jumped in and started singing 'I'm Shady" for no good reason.

"C'mon, I'm starving..." Riku complained, taking out a shotgun and shooting Eminem ("I ain't got shot, bitch!"). He wondered where he got a shotgun and decided to keep it. Shotguns are cool.

"But... SHADY!" Sora insisted.

"HUNGRY!" Riku retorted.

"SHADY!"

"HUNGRY!"

Ansem ignored the ignoring teens, muttering 'fools' and he stood in front of the shop window, peering through the dusty glass. He couldn't see much, in fact, it didn't even look like it was open.

"Guys, I don't think..."

The shop door suddenly burst open, releasing millions of dust particles that aimed at Ansem's unsuspecting lungs. The boy was reduced to a coughing fit and this went on for many minutes while the dust particles laughed. Evil dust particles.

"WELCOME TO BECCI'S HOUSE OF PIE!" Becci greeted them. The author doesn't know what Becci really looks like, so you can use your IMAGINATION! *gets shot* OK, who keeps on doing that?? _O

"Good. How cheap are your pies??" Riku got to the point. Becci ignored them and ushered the teens in, Ansem still coughing. 

"Look at our fine selection of pies!!" Becci insisted, pointing to the many pies. Apple pie, cherry pie, cyanide pie... 

"CYANIDE PIE!" Kefka squealed. He grabbed it, and ran away. Riku pretended he didn't see it and looked over to Ansem, who fainted from the mass coughing fit. Sora was busy complaining about seeing a cockroach in one of the pies.

"I don't think this is sanitary. I wanna see the Health Inspector's approval on this shop! ARE YOU PEOPLE LISTENING TO ME??" Sora ranted, tossing the pie back on the table. A rat popped out from it and squeaked sadly, mumbling something about how Lord Voldemort abandoned him.

"DO NOT SAY HIS NAME!" Someone yelled.

"Of course my pies are perfectly safe. I only pick the freshest ingredients!" Becci snapped. 

"But you live in a city... with no soil or sunlight..." Ansem contradicted her, somehow regaining consciousness and a Vanilla Coke. VANILLA COKE MAFIA!

"..."

Riku took advantage of the awkward silence to shove a few pies in his bag. He didn't notice the ominous darkness filling the room. He didn't notice Becci's eyes glowing an intense red. He didn't notice Tellah moseying around the backroom bumping into objects and calling them spoony.

"You spoony bard!" He screamed. 

"I SAID MY INGREDIENTS ARE PERFECT." Becci hissed, her voice taking on an evil tone. The building shook and a tile fell from the ceiling and smacked Tellah. 

Sora, Riku and Ansem blinked.

Then they ran away screaming.

"Oh, the customers ran away..." Becci whined. Then she clasped her hands together and grinned evilly. "BUT I SHALL DRAG THEM BACK! EVERYONE WILL BUY A PIE FROM BECCI!"

"HEY, SHUT UP!" Someone across the street yelled.

~~~

"Sora!"

Kairi growled as Selphie played her "gothic" music (and by that, she means Linkin Park) loudly. The Gummi Ship practically shook with the force of the music and Kairi could feel her hearing slipping away...

"SORA!!" She screamed, trying to get Selphie's attention.

Selphie was too busy grooving to listen.

"SORA!"

"WHAT?"

"SOOORRAAAA!!"

"SPEAK UP!"

"SORA!" Kairi lunged at Selphie brandishing a butterknife. Unfortunately, they were heading toward a meteor and no one was there to steer.

The ship smashed into the meteor...

...But since the Omega had so much Armor on, it did hardly anything.

And Kairi was free to attempt to stab/slash Selphie with a butter knife.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bwahahaha. Kairi and Selphie will crash somewhere else next chapter. _.

BAD CHIBI! *smacks self* I find myself wanting to write Harry Potter fanfiction instead of Kingdom Hearts fanfiction (About Snapey, of course, chibi likes 'em tall, dark and handsome XD)

Oh yeah... SHAMLESS ADVERTISING!! WHOOT! *gets shot*

Have you ever wanted to smite people who hate Vanilla Coke? And join a mafia? Well, the Vanilla Coke Mafia is for you! Scoot over to chibi's bio and click the link. CLICKY CLICKY!

*gets shot multiple times* OK, I'll update soon to apologize for the shameless advertising _O…YAY GRAMMAR CHECK!


	4. The Eternal Bob

****

CHAPTER FOUR: The Pie, the Cheese, The Oro and The Fwee!

Pheer them. Pie, Oro and Fwee, this chapter is dedicated to you! XD

As for everyone else... I DATA DRAIN J00! 

*attempts to Data Drain all, then dies on infection* X_x

Helba: NO DATA DRAINING FOR YOU! *smacks Bob with mallet*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After spending five minutes at the author's poor attempt to Data Drain everyone, Riku kicked out all .hack//INFECTION evidence from the fic and resumed eating pie. The scared teens (Ansem: I'm a teen?) had ran into some clearing that was full of sunlight and chirping birds and lots of green. It was pretty.

"Riku, I think we should go back and pay for those pies..." Sora insisted. Riku glared at him and continued eating the pie. Ansem was next to him nibbling a piece like a crazed chipmunk. THE CHIPMUNKS CONSUME US!

There was a pie for Sora, sitting right in front of him. How delicious it was... 

"NO! I WILL RESIST! YOU WERE GOTTEN BY ILL-GOTTEN GAINS! GO AWAY!" Sora screamed, kicking the pie. The pie bounced off, mentally screaming out to Sora.

"EAT ME!! EAT ME!!"

"NO! NEEEVVVAAARRR!! NOT... UNTIL... I... PAY... FOR... YOU... FIRST..." Sora resisted, hiding behind a tree. "Stupid Disney morals!"

Riku and Ansem stopped eating and watched this. It looked amusing. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a ghostly white girl hovering in the corner. Enraged, he grabbed the girl by the hair and threw her out of the fic.

"DAMMIT, THIS IS A KINGDOM HEARTS FANFICTION! NO .HACK//INFECTION PEOPLE ALLOWED!" Riku screamed, slamming the door of the fic shut. Aura hissed and floated over to her friend/enemy, Skeith, who was munching on a sandwich.

"Can I Data Drain him NOW??"  


"Quiet, you, I'm sending him an encrypted e-mail with Sadako's cursed tape."

~~~

"DAMMIT!" Sadako screeched from within her well. "WILL THESE PEOPLE STOP HOTLINKING MY DAMN TAPE??"

~~~

Sarafina was still in the bushes. And now you, dear readers, will know why Sarafina is hiding in said bushes.

She is stalking Riku.

"Yes! And stalk I shall! MWAHAHAHAHAAAA!" Sarafina cackled. Birds looked at her and flew away in fear. The skies darkened and the sun retreated behind an approaching black storm cloud. There was rumbling.. Sarafina's black dog, Sirius, whimpered.

"Oh, come on, Sirius!" Sarafina giggled, hugging the dog. "Soon, I shall capture Riku! AHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!"

Sirius whimpered more.

~~~

"Guys, did you hear something?" Riku asked, looking around. Sora was still having a mental battle against the pie and Ansem was asleep.

"GAAAAAAHHHHH!! DIE, PIE, DIIIIIIIIEEEE!" Sora screamed, grabbing his keyblade and slicing the pie...

...into 8 separate slices. Sora sat down and grabbed one, eating as if it was his last meal. Riku laughed evilly on the pie's behalf. NO ONE COULD RESIST THE PIE! 

"It looks like it's gonna rain..." Riku observed, staring at the sky. Then he took out a corndog and started munching. Sora looked on with envy. He wanted a corndog...why couldn't he have a corndog??

"Give me that corndog, Riku!" Sora growled, raising his Keyblade.

"NEVAR!" Riku spat, grabbing his corndog and jumping behind Ansem, using the boy as a human shield.

"ARGH! NO! DISNEY MORALS ATTACKING BRAIN! DAMN YOU, JIMNEY CRICKET!!!" Sora screamed, before collapsing on the ground, rolling around in agony. Riku laughed evilly and ate his corndog again.

Ansem yawned. 

~~~

Little did they know, they were being watched!

~~~

"Actually, since you mentioned it, now we know we are being watched." Sora commented, further angering the Eternal Bob.

~~~

Well... you don't know WHO is watching you!

~~~

"Ah. Good Point."

~~~

Anyway, before Sora rudely interrupted...

~~~

"Hey!" Sora protested. "I was just making a statement!"

~~~

WILL YOU STOP THAT?!

~~~

"Stop what?"

~~~

THAT!

~~~

"What? What is that? ... Ohhh, you mean this? Heh heh!"

~~~

YES, THAT! CEASE AT ONCE!

~~~

"Make me."

~~~

DO NOT ANGER ME, THE ETERNAL BOB!"

~~~

"I would be scared, but since you are a guy, you can't have PMS anymore."

~~~

TH-... Wait... OH MY GOD, HE'S RIGHT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

~~~

"Hahahaha! Sucker..."

~~~

Meanwhile, somewhere up in Plot Land...

IT WAS THE POLYGON OF DOOM!

PIE, CHEESE, ORO AND FWEE!

AND-

~~~

"Sora!" Kairi yelled at the author, shaking her fist.

~~~

What NOW?

~~~

"She is asking what significance this has to the plot." Selphie explained.

~~~

They are... VERY SIGNIFICANT!

~~~

"Sora!" Kairi protested, frowning deeply. "Sora, sora sora sora, Sora Sora Sora!"

With those words, the scene was reverted back to the Gummi ship. And Bob was angry. Oh so angry.

The Gummi Ship had been happily blasting through hyperspace for about three chapters now. It's only a matter of time before they run out of fuel.

"I think we ran out of fuel, Kairi."

Yep.

The Gummi Ship screeched to a halt, and proceeded to fall straight down. The force of the fall caused Selphie and Kairi to smack up into the ceiling of the ship whilst screaming their heads off.

The ship smashed through meteor, a giant cheese block, and crash-landed into the very world Sora and Riku were in, but only on the other side, in a dense forest. Then it blew up in a spectacular explosion. Of course, because the author decided that Kairi and Selphie were supposed to have much value to the plot, they were saved by the blessings of the Pie, the Cheese, the Oro and the Fwee.

"Sora..." Kairi muttered before she blacked out.

A bird pecked her head.

~~~

"Mwahahahaha! Mission complete!" Ultimecia cackled, hiding behind a tree. Kuja sat next to her, idly brushing his hair.

"Kuja, get the cell phone!" Ultimecia barked. Kuja blinked and grabbed a pair of Chuck E Cheese connected with string. He handed them to Ultimecia, smiling stupidly. Ultimecia just stared back.

"Kuja, that's a pair of cups with string. Where's the cellphone?" She barked.

"A little kid with greasy hair stole it." Kuja reported. 

"DAMN YOU, KUJA! CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?"

"Hey, I'm just the useless mascot." Kuja retorted, going back to brushing his silvery hair.

~~~

"Good boy, Snape!" Brenda cackled. The Zidane plushie on her shoulder cackled with her and sneezed, falling off and smacking into the concrete floor. Snape grabbed it and started gnawing on it while the plushie screamed.

Hastily, Brenda dialed 1-800...

"C-A-L-L A-T-T!" Some random guy with an afro yelled, rudely grabbing the phone. The buttons down the center turned a magical blue color and he pointed to them. "Just dial down the center! Free for you, cheap for them!"

"HELL NO!" A blonde yelled. She karate kicked the poor guy in the nuts and grabbed the cellphone. "1-800-COLLECT!" She commanded, thrusting the phone in Brenda's face.

Snape blinked and ran away screaming, because Brenda's hand was inching towards her green backpack. And when it did...

BOOM! -- cheesy sound effect

~~~

*phone rings*

"Hello, chi-er, Bob's house."

"Don't give me that shit, chibi, I know you're there! How come Brenda got a part and I didn't?"

"Uh... Bob no comprehend!" 

"Yeah right."

"YOU KICKED MY DOG!"

"...What?"

"You kicked my dog, I'm calling cops now."

"Chibi, you don't have a dog."

"I'M NOT CHIBI, I'M BOB!"

"Nu-uh! This is chibi's house!"

"WHO ARE YOU?"

"You don't have to scream..."

"WHO ARE YOU? I'M CALLING COPS, YOU KICKED MY DOG."

"CHIBI!"

*click*

"Well..." Becci huffed, slamming the phone down. "That didn't turn out well."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I used to hate this chapter. Now I love it. YAY INSPIRATION! *dances around and gets shot*


	5. Pheer teh Ferret!

****

CHAPTER FIVE: Stir-fried noodles!

Words of wisdom.

STRESS: That confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic 

desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.

-random signature from an e-mail

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back in the Official Bad Guy League secret base (I am not allowed to describe it in any way, for it is a secret), the villains were meeting again. However, this time, they were not seated professionally around a glass table, discussing things business-like.

Nay, the villains were in Sephiroth's bedroom. No, they were not engaging in... activities. Perverts. 

Sephiroth sat on top of his bed, wearing blue pajamas that had pretty hearts and rainbows on them. He had his favorite stuffed toy, a Tonberry named Mr.Ton-Ton (*gets mauled by Cait*) on his lap.

Below him were the rest of the villains, wearing different but equally cheesy pajamas, all holding their own stuffed animal for comfort. Well, except for Kefka, he was holding a butcher knife that had what looked like dried blood on it. He claimed it was ketchup.

"Yay! Linnet is using my idea! HAHAHAHAHA!" Brenda cackled. Linnet hung her head in shame. Then she stabbed Brenda with the sharp pointy knife of stabby doom.

~~~

"Wait, wait, wait!" Rufus.exe threw down the _Highlights For Children_ (*cough*FF7 ficreference*cough*) and strode out of the plothole, where Linnet was chasing Brenda with a sharp pointy knife.

Linnet stopped her chasing and looked at Rufus. This was a bad idea because Brenda was still running around in circles, so she went right through Linnet and fell off the edge of the plot front yard (yes, plotholes have front yards), screaming as she hurtled back into the story.

"I'LL GET YOU LINNET! AND YOUR LITTLE MUSE/PERSOCOM TOO!" Brenda screamed.

"Yesh?" Linnet blinked.

"Aren't you supposed to be a boy??" Rufus.exe asked, scratching his head in confusion. Linnet had breasts again!

"I got bored." Linnet shrugged, tossing her sharp pointy knife aside. "Besides, being a guy means I can't have PMS and blow stuff up." 

~~~

ANYWAY, BEFORE RUFUS.EXE RUDELY INTERRUPTED THE STORY....

~~~

"WAIT!" Rufus.exe reached up and stuck the little story divider up. "I have another question! Are the Narrator and the Author two different people?"

~~~

Well, yes, dumbass.

~~~

"That doesn't make any sense!" Rufus frowned, still drowning in confusion. "Linnet... she writes this fic too! And you... her..."

~~~

No, see, I'm Mary. Linnet writes the fic, I narrate it.

~~~

"But... but... MARY sits at the computer and writes the fic, how can Linnet be the-"

~~~

SILENCE! YOU ARE RUINING THE STORY!

~~~

"But-"

~~~

NO! CEASE! 

~~~

"..."

~~~

That's better.

Anyway, where was I... Oh yes. The Official Bad Guy League Slumber Party...

~~~

"I WILL FIND THIS OUT! IT'S A CONSPIRACY, I TELL YOU!" Rufus.exe hissed. He ran back into the Plot Hole and started packing for his big adventure to find out the truth about The Narrator and The Author. But this can wait for another chapter.

"Hell no! People gotta learn about the truth!" Rufus.exe demanded. 

~~~

NO! THE STORY IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

And with a mighty blow, the Narrator threw Rufus.exe out of the story.

~~~

"I'LL BE BACK! YOU CAN'T HIDE THE TRUTH FROM THE PUBLIC FOREVER!"

~~~

Yeah, Sure. Whatever.

The villains stared at Mary strangely.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? GET BACK TO ACTING OUT THE PLOT, DAMMIT!

"RIGHT!" Sephiroth squeaked. He inched away from the deranged Mary person and clutched his Tonberry plushie in fear. The other villains snickered. Of course, they stopped when Sephiroth raised his Masamune. 

Satisfied, Sephiroth laid the weapon down.

"Um... what are we doing here again?" Kefka grumbled, the only one seemingly unfazed by the Giant Sword of Masamuney Death. He, too, had a thing to cuddle with, however, it was a rusty butcher knife that was covered with what looked like dried blood. How disturbing.

"We are here to share beauty tips and have facials, idiot!" Sephiroth snapped at the evil clown.

Kefka blinked.

"WHAT?? YOU CALL US ALL HERE AT 11 PM IN THE NIGHT FOR A FREAKING HOME SPA?? ... Do you do nails?"

~~~

Meanwhile... 

Ansem, Sora and Riku were stranded in the middle of some random highway.

Yes, Sora had done it again. He refused to move and instead stood in one spot, not moving until "the next interesting thing happened". This made Riku very stressed. See, I knew that quote in the author's note would be helpful!

"Must... not... strangle... Sora..." Riku used every ounce of self-control he had in his body not to wrap his hands around Sora's slim neck and snap it. Oh, how he would love to, but killing one of the main characters at the wrong time always ruins the fic.

Ansem sat next to Riku, who had now curled into a fetal position hoping to get hit by a car. The chibi watched with great interest.

"Riku?" Ansem poked Riku in the ribs. He was rewarded with a hissing sound. Of course, Ansem, being the semi-stupid small child he now was ("I heard that!"), giggled and poked Riku again. The hissing sound was fuunnnyy...

Riku twitched, and peeked out from under his arm and gave Ansem a death glare that rivals Sadako's. Ansem blinked and ran away from Riku screaming. But not before stealing Riku's wallet. So Riku started chasing Ansem screaming obscenities.

Then the interesting thing happened. In this section of the story. Sora cheered and whacked Ansem on the head with the Keyblade. Ansem fainted and Riku retrieved his wallet. Riku did a little dance, then was hit by a truck. Of course, he didn't die, but it still hurt.

Anyway, what the interesting thing was... A HEARTLESS APPEARED!

The Soldier Heartless started looking around, then it spotted Ansem. It danced a happy dance. A tasty small child! Small children have sugary candy hearts! Then it stopped dancing and started to run at the poor defenseless chibi.

"OH MY GOD! RIKU! IT'S GONNA EAT ANSEM!" Sora screamed, shaking Riku.

"So?"

"... ANSEM! HE'LL BE EATEN!"

"He's the King of Heartless! It won't eat him!"

"Yes it is! Look! It's gonna pull out his heart!"

"... No, it isn't."

"It's pulling it out..."

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! RIKU, SORA, HELP ME, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!!"

"OH MY GOD, SORA, YOU'RE RIGHT!"

Riku quickly searched his pockets for something to throw at the Heartless who was just about to rip Ansem's tasty sugary heart out. His gloved hand curled around a packet of cheap candy hearts, the kind with those stupid messages written on the front... how I hate those candy hearts... YOUR DAY WILL COME!

Hurling the package at the Heartless (who chased after it like a puppy dog), Riku grabbed Ansem by the hair and dragged him away to safety, or at least until the little Battle Menu in the corner of the screen changed from red to blue.

"OW! RIKU, YOU BASTARD! THAT HURTS!" Ansem cried, grabbing his little Mini-Oblivion and thwacking Riku in between the legs. Riku dropped to the ground and rolled around in pain.

Sora, on the other hand, looked appalled. Not because Ansem had hit Riku where it hurts, but because Ansem spouted serious curse words in a PG fic. Which means the rating has to be upped. 

"Ansem!" Sora scolded, putting his hands on his hips. "Where did you learn that language?"

"Riku was yelling those words at me... I thought people used them when they were mad!" Ansem defended himself. Sora's accusing glare shifted from Ansem to Riku, who was still curled up in a ball of pain.

"Riku! You asshole!" Sora cursed and whacked Riku on the head with the Keyblade. Riku started screaming and tackled Sora, the two getting into a fist fights.

The yaoi fans drew closer.

"TAKE THIS! YOU BASTARD, I SAVE THE STUPID KID'S LIFE AND YOU HIT ME ON THE HEAD?" Riku screamed, throwing Sora down and kicking the boy in the gut. Sora retaliated by biting Riku on the leg. 

The scuffle went on for a while while Ansem watched from the corner with the yaoi fans who were hoping that Riku would end up on top of Sora.

"Sorry, this is a Sora/Kairi fic." Ansem told them.

The yaoi fans sighed and hung their heads. 

~~~

Kairi started skipping around in circles happily. Ha ha, shows those yaoi fans right!

The Kairi bashers started hissing. 

Kairi meeped and hid behind Selphie, who was attempting to ask directions from a ferret with bat wings. 

"Excuse me, Mr. Ferret, but do you know where we can find some actual people?" Selphie asked timidly, watching the milky white ferret scamper around a tree.

"Yeeeessss..." The ferret hissed. "Human children folloooowww.... I shooooowww..." The ferret flapped it's leathery black wings, and hovered around Selphie's head. "Come, coooome..."

Selphie shrugged. She wasn't sure if she could trust a talking ferret with black bat wings, but whatever. Selphie grabbed Kairi's arm and started pulling her along (Kairi did not leik teh ferret).

The ferret lead the girls through the dense forest, which had growth everywhere. It was impossible to make out a path, so the ferret would stop and wait for the girls to catch up. The trip went well, except for the incident where Selphie got caught in the spider web and was almost eaten by the Queen Spider.

Finally, Kairi spotted a light slowly glowing from the other end of the path.

"SORA!" She cheered. The ferret looked at the redhead oddly, but decided not to say anything. Circling around the light once, the ferret made it's place on Selphie's head.

"Um..."

"I stay with human. Forest succckkkss..." The ferret said in it's weird hissing tone.

"Fine." Selphie grumbled, not sure what the point of having a smelly ferret on her head was. "But use my head as a bathroom and I'll kill you." She threatened, brandishing her sporks.

The ferret didn't hear her, for it was sleeping.

~~~

"It's pretty obvious Linnet doesn't like writing Selphie and Kairi's parts, hm?" Sarafina commented, still petting Sirius. The black dog nodded it's head, understanding every word she said.

"So, let's do her a favor and kill them." Sarafina laughed, taking out her rod. It was no ordinary rod, though. It looked like a harmless stick with a black moon plastered on a flame with pretty ribbons coming from it, but inside was a high tech laser type device that kicked ass.

"Woof." Sirius groaned. This wasn't good.

Crouching out of site in the bushes, Sarafina attached a scope on the end of her rod and carefully aimed it at Kairi, who was still skipping along merrily. Her finger gently squeezed the trigger...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND I MAKE A CLIFFIE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-*gets shot* X_x

Ansem: Dammit! WHY WON'T YOU DIE???


	6. SORAKUN!

****

CHAPTER SIX: ... Sora...

I have become... A SORA FANGIRL!

Readers: ... *silence*

... the .hack//SIGN Sora, that is.

Readers: _O EEEWWWW!! 

_ shut up, I like Green Haired Annoying Under aged Idiots... 

*screams and starts beating the shit out of Skeith*

This chapter is short. School was drained my brain of inspiration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Errr... OK, enough about that. Back to the KH2ness.

Anyway, the red beam of death that Sarafina had fired at Kairi was just about to hit aforementioned target's head, when she spotted a shiny stone on the ground.

"SORA!" Kairi cheered, bending down and picking it up. The laser beam flew over her back and into the moon, where it exploded in millions of pieces that rained death and doom down on the planet. 

Well, everywhere but where Kairi and Selphie were, anyway.

The yaoi fans hung their heads in utter sadness. This fic was doomed to be Sora/Kairi.

"Whatcha got there, Kairi?" Selphie asked, poking Kairi. Kairi gleefully showed Selphie the extremely shiny rock she found.

~~~

Whilst the girls were admiring the shinyness of the rock, a moon rock that was intending to smash into the head of one Kento Ikeda suddenly stopped. It could not explain why (and even if it could, it couldn't speak, for it was a ROCK!), but it had the strangest desire to seek out a redhead named "Kairi" and embed itself in her skull.

The Kairi bashers cheered and egged the rock on.

The moon rock was pondering this, floating around in circles above an Intersection in Portland, Oregon. Hmmm... it could go on to bash Kairi on the head... it certainly seemed like it would make a bigger impact than destroying some nobody's brain in Portland.

Making up its mind, the moon rock sped straight for that isolated section of the fic where Kairi and Selphie were. 

~~~

Anyway, after reading through a few old chapters, the author realized that this was getting farther and farther away from the realm of KH2ness and more into the realm of random stupidity and cheese.

"NOOOOOOO!" Linnet hissed. "I... MUST... RETURN... TO... THE... KH2...NESS..."

~~~

And so, she did.

For Sora, Ansem, and Riku found themselves in Hollow Bastion, for no apparent reason. Sora and Riku blinked stupidly and tried to figure out how they managed to get to a world, which was on the other side of the World Map via an abandoned highway in Texas.

But indeed, it was Hollow Bastion. The trio were standing on the water, which was flowing uphill in its special gravity-defying way. just above them were the floating rocks, held by some unimaginable magic force. Well, actually, very strong magnets held them. 

Science Magic.

"Bwahahaha, yes, admire my brilliance!" Ansem proudly stated, crossing his arms smugly. Riku grabbed the chibi by the hair and slammed his face down, trying to drown Ansem (and failing).

Whilst all this violence, Sora wandered to a nearby phone booth that had replaced the save point. No, this has nothing to do with the Matrix. Inside the pretty phone booth were one of those weird phones from Pokemon that allowed the user to see the other person on the line.

Next to Sora were a list of numbers, detailing the usage of aforementioned phone:

Press

1- Save your game

2- Get up to the castle if one does not possess Mad Jumping Skeelz

3- Summon Ape Overlords to rule over us pathetic humans

4- Do not push this button. It's the red button.

5- Warn "it"

6- Run for California Governor

7- www.chibilinnet.net (SHAMELESS PLUG ALERT!)

8- Download illegal mp3s

9- Show off your DDR skillage

0- .Data Drain Sora. This Sora. The other one is too hot. MINE *hugs* @_@

#- Watch "The Tape"

*-Explode

Sora blinked, and edged away. Strange phone booth.

"Soooora!" Ansem whined, escaping from Riku's homicidal clutches. The terrified/traumatized chibi scampered over to Sora and hid behind him.

Sora shot a nasty glare at Riku as aforementioned Sephiroth Clone stomped up to Sora. Riku was very angry, because his plan to drown Ansem didn't work. Stupid Square-Enix Child Protection Act...

"Riku, what did I tell you about traumatizing children?" Sora lectured. Riku just hissed and pushed past the two into the phone booth of doom. Without taking a care to read the list, he just leaned on the dial pad...

And his elbow hit *

~~~

"Aerith? Did you hear something?" Leon asked, lifting his head up. Aerith looked over her shoulder from where she was grilling delicious tasty brain meats and shrugged..

"No... not at all."

~~~

The remains of the phone booth soared up to the sky. Ansem, who for some reason didn't get hit, watched with mild interest while Sora and Riku were flung up into the sky, screaming and yelling. They stayed suspended for a moment, then were pulled down still screaming and yelling by the unforgiving force that is gravity.

And he laughed when they slammed into the ground. Then he remembered they just blew up the only way to get back into Hollow Bastion.

For, you see, Ansem did not possess Mad Jumping Skeelz.

"DAMMIT!" The chibi cursed.

~~~

Meanwhile, the moon rock was still soaring. It had just about reached the area where Kairi and Selphie were, still admiring the pretty shiny rock of doom. Even the Enigmatic Ferret was entranced by the shinyness of the rock, a relic Linnet had gotten in Otakon 2003. 

"..." They stared in silence and awe.

The rock spotted its target and cackled evilly, as it raced down, preparing to end its miserable life by concussing the girl.

Of course, it's life ended prematurely when Kairi bent down again.

"SORA!" She said, determined. The rock screamed in anger as it smashed onto the ground behind her. It had failed!

The Kairi bashers hissed and began to light their torches. A few began sharpening pitchforks. If you wanted something done, it had to be done yourself!

The object that Kairi had found was a small crap of notebook paper. Scrawled on it was a message written very quickly, with what seemed to be dried blood.

"To anybody:

HELP ME!! I'M STUCK IN THE DOMAIN OF THE AUTHORESS! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SAVE ME!! NOOOOOOO!!!"

Kairi blinked.

Selphie blinked.

The Enigmatic Ferret blinked.

"I don't think this has any importance to the plot." Selphie firmly decided. Selphie plucked the note out of Kairi's hand and crumpled it. Little did she know, Selphie just stopped the author's pathetic attempt at creating a KH/.hack crossover. Those were overdone anyway.

Kairi hung her head sadly. They had been stuck in this scene for a chapter now and they didn't know where to go. If only there was a sign or something, that would help lead her to the one she loved...

"Come, Kairi, we must go and search!" Selphie chirped, trying to lift the girl's spirits up. They trudged along the dirt path quietly, Hyper Girl, Girl who can only say One word, and Ferret.

If they just turned around to examine the rock, they would have found a sign that read "SORA: 45 miles".

~~~

"I wanna brush his hair!"

Sarafina hissed and yanked the brush out of Brenda's hand. Brenda hissed and leaped upon the brunette's head, where she began gnawing to reach the tasty brain meats concealed inside.

Sarafina realized that the rabid redhead was gnawing on her head and she ran around screaming.

"THIS IS MY CHANCE! MINE!" Linnet cackled. Linnet ran forward to snatch the prize, but alas! Brenda's Zidane plushie had sunk its plushie-like fangs into her leg. Linnet screamed in pain and rolled around, trying to pry the plushie off.

Meanwhile, Sora, our lovable, yet disturbed, Player Killer from .hack//SIGN was cowering in the corner, unsure of why there were three rabid fangirls fighting over him.

"First I get data-drained and now high school girls are fighting over me." He moaned, curling up into a ball. "Why me?? WHY ME??" He sobbed, wishing he could log-out. Alas, no, he was doomed to stay his sexy (older) online self.

Beside him, a figure emerged from the shadows. Sora meeped and scooted aside. The shadowy figure leered at the fighting fangirls and took its place beside Sora. The two watched each other in silence, and finally, the shadow grinned, revealing pretty fangs.

"Hello." Becci grinned.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes. Along with your bi-monthly dose of stupid KH-ness, you get to see the backstage story of the rabid fangirls fighting over Sora-kun @_@

And anyone who doesn't admit he's sexy, I will smite _O HE IS SEXY, DAMMIT... though not as sexy as Crim... Mmmmm... Crim...


End file.
